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Does Your Child Have School Phobia? Maybe. Maybe Not.

2012-09-07T15:29:03Z

“I don’t want to go to school!” “My stomach hurts.” As your neighbors’ children climb into the yellow bus excitedly with their new backpacks and sneakers, your child resists, cries, excessively worries, complains that school is too hard, voices physical complaints and even refuses to go to school. Your child could be suffering from School Phobia, a form of anxiety sometimes correlated with a resurgence of separation anxiety. Separation anxiety is expected and normal at 9-18 months, but is much more disruptive for an older child. School Phobia can become entrenched with time so it is best to address it right away. However, there are several other issues that may be masquerading as school phobia.

Below are 8 reasons your child may be resisting school:

Medical conditions – If your child is complaining of not feeling good, stomach upset, headaches, etc. it may be due to emotional upset, but it could actually be a physical problem. There was an 8-year-old girl who was in the school nurse’s office almost every day complaining of a stomachache. All of the adults in her life assumed she was anxious about school and kept trying to reduce her anxiety. They became frustrated when nothing helped. She started resisting school, afraid of the stomachache (and probably the adult response). There was talk of medication. By chance it was learned that she had developed lactose intolerance. When she substituted the milk in her morning cereal her “school anxiety” disappeared.
Insufficient sleep – With long full days of work and school, before and after school day care, an array of extracurricular activities, friends and family events, chores, homework, etc., it is easy to understand why bed times may inch later and later. And yet, your child’s need for sleep cannot be denied. In addition, many families have gotten into the bad habit of allowing their children to fall asleep with the television on, which has been shown to disrupt healthy sleep patterns. Sleep experts recommend turning off all electronic stimulation well before going to bed. Chronic sleep deprivation negatively impacts learning and mental health. Fatigue can cause poor performance, which can be demotivating, creating a downward spiral, increasing the desire to avoid school.
Parental over-involvement – Some parents struggle more than others with sending their children off into the cruel world. If you are worried, possibly because of your own past experiences, your children, who have learned from infancy to watch your face, may take a cue from you that there is a reason to be concerned. They may also feel they should not leave you alone. Conversely, if you have been there to catch them before every fall they may not believe they can do it on their own. If you are struggling with the transition, accept help for yourself so you in turn can help your child to separate in a healthy manner.
Parental under-involvement – Yes, the teachers are paid to teach, but children and teenagers still need parental support and guidance. Until they are ready to take over the reins, which is a different age for each individual, students need parental involvement to keep things on track; checking school calendars, assembling school supplies, monitoring dress codes (written and unwritten), asking about homework, looking for permission slips, breaking down projects into manageable steps, and sometimes last minute runs to pick up and drop off forgotten items (we all make mistakes, right?). Repeatedly going to school unprepared can be demoralizing.
Learning disability – Resistance, worry, and complaints about schoolwork may be some of the first signs of a learning disability. Many parents have regretted years of chastising their child for being lazy or stubborn only to learn later that an unknown learning disorder was the source of the problem.
Hostile school environment – Your child may be appropriately responding to a justifiable concern. It is important to listen to what your child says about the school environment. If your child is being mistreated, by a peer or by an adult, it is the situation, not your child, which needs to change.
Limited social skills – Kids often want to go to school to see their friends more than anything else. Resistance to school may be an indication that your child or teenager needs help with peer relationships. This can come to light when a child first enters school and then again when the social arena changes around middle school and high school. If your child is resisting going to school, it may be helpful to ask the teacher and/or guidance counselor about how your child is interacting with others. School personnel may be able to offer assistance and/or suggestions as they see your child in the context of his/her peers. Some schools offer social skills groups or “lunch groups” for children who need help in this area. Encouraging your child to make plans with a few peers outside of school may reduce feelings of isolation.
Problems at home? – Increased anxiety in children and adolescents around going to school may really be concerns about leaving home if there have been recent changes (good or bad) and stress such as the birth of a sibling, a parent’s new job, a death in the family, marital problems, the illness of one or both parents, etc. It often helps when a child/adolescent knows that they and their concerns have not been lost in shuffle.

To help a child who is struggling with attending school a parent must first be a good student; “stop, listen and learn." Create an environment where your son or daughter feels comfortable to talk, stay calm and resist the urge to scold, rescue, or offer advice before you fully understand the problem. The eight conditions described above if left unchecked may ultimately lead to true School phobia, which is a specific, irrational fear of school. Avoiding school actually strengthens the fear so obtaining help without delay is recommended. Professional therapeutic help, often short-term when started early, can be very helpful to shorten the life of the problem and limit the ramifications.

Are Your Children Balanced?

2012-08-19T23:43:04Z

Parents are continuously trying to teach their children balance, as they gently withdraw support from the sippy cup, hold their arms wide to facilitate their toddler’s first wobbling steps, remove their protective hand as their 3 year old climbs up the ladder to the slide, and let go of that hopeful two-wheeler bike as it breaks away. At times parents nudge their children forward, encouraging them to try something new. At other times parents try to hold on, embracing their children with words of caution.

Parents want to help their children to employ the optimal percentages of caution and courage, to enjoy themselves but act responsibly, to be conscientious but not anxious, to be both ambitious and kind. Finding the delicate balance is a life-long journey and awareness is the first step.

Four ways parents can foster a balanced life:

1. Identify and share your own guiding values and priorities. Although your children may not ultimately make the same decisions as you did, your communication will jump-start their thought process about how they might handle life's competing demands.

2. Help your children recognize that, like everyone else, they have individual tendencies, which have both advantages and disadvantages. Even from birth some children tend to shy away from new stimuli while other children reach out to grab it. To have balance in their life they must know themselves, without judgment, and adjust accordingly. Some people need to slow down and better predict obstacles while others need help to move forward, to visualize positive outcomes.

3. Explain to your children that a balanced life needs attention paid to at least four aspects; one’s inner life, one’s physical health, one’s relationships, and one’s chosen purposeful activities. Like four legs of a table, the legs are joined and interdependent. Shortchanging one area can cause instability for the whole. Each category can be subdivided; for example inner life may be self-awareness of your own emotions and religious practices or morals, physical health may involve proper diet and exercise, and hygiene, relationships can be with family, with friends, as well as with the community, and purposeful activity might include academics and wide array of interests such as music, sports, dance, art, etc.

4. Teach your children that they need to use both emotion and intellect in making decisions. Selling (either from paid advertisers or peer influences) usually appeals to the vulnerable emotional side. Acting on those impulses often ends in remorse. Conversely, denying natural instincts just to follow the traditional, well-trodden paths can lead to a series of predictable but dry experiences. Children can learn this concept using water as an example. Emotions, like water, are needed for life, but too much, as in flooding, can be destructive. The intellect is needed to contain and channel the flow of emotion.

Maintaining balance requires an acceptance of imperfection and the resulting very functional mindset that it is okay to continuously make corrections as needed. From a wise but anonymous source, “The key to keeping your balance is knowing when you've lost it.”

Teaching Your Children to Have the Courage to Tell the Truth

2012-06-24T20:32:36Z

Today's parents are concerned that their children will not be able to live as well as they have. The path to success in the future is changing; everyday previously held beliefs are called into question. Davidson, in her book, “Now You See It,” writes that technology is advancing so rapidly, “65 percent of children entering grade school this year will end up working in careers that haven’t even been invented yet.” In this climate of constant and rapid change, how can parents accurately guide their children to prosper in a world with new and unfamiliar rules? Strauss and Howe, in their book, “The Fourth Turning”, predicted the current financial and social upheaval as a cycle of history and suggested that in times of crisis those who maintain integrity are the most valued. This recommendation seems both ageless and particularly relevant now as we watch frontrunners fall from grace and any illusion of privacy vanish.

One way parents can foster integrity in their offspring is to nurture honesty. Below are 6 ways parents can encourage their child to be an honest person.

1. Be an honest person yourself; avoid telling “white lies,” or half-truths, especially to your children. If you are honest with your children they will learn to trust your word. If you prefer not to answer your child's question truthfully, for whatever reason, it would be better to explain that you are unable to give them an answer at this time rather than provide a deceptive cover-up. Your children are also watching how you handle situations with others in which it might be easier for you to just lie. Demonstrate integrity.

2. Reminders of morality. In his recent book, “The Honest Truth About Dishonesty: How We Lie to Everyone---Especially Ourselves”, Dan Ariely cited a controlled study in which those subjects who had been asked to recall the Ten Commandments or the Honor Code of their school shortly before a test were less likely to cheat than another group who were asked instead to list the titles of 10 books they read in high school. Children can also be reminded of the family creed; such as, “In our family we tell the truth,” (which is much more effective when it’s actually true - see #1).

3. Encourage your child to befriend honest people. Ariely reported that lying is infectious. Of course, it is much easier to influence your child’s choice of friends when they are younger as they often make friends through the activities you support. In later years parents need to keep their head out of the sand and their eyes open. If some of their friends look like trouble, avoid making them more attractive by forbidding contact; instead be present; volunteer to be the host, the chaperone, and the taxi.

4. Clarify what constitutes lying and cheating; focus on the spirit of honesty versus the technical definition, which allows misleading half-truths and lies of omission. Although they may not get caught immediately, walking on the edge of the truth often causes internal distress and lowers self-perception. And carrying that heavy dread of being exposed is more strenuous than even the weightiest backpack.

5. Don’t try to catch your child or teenager in a lie. Without accusing or jumping to conclusions, reduce the opportunities for them to practice the art of lying by just acknowledging what is apparently true. Don’t look your child in the eye and ask if he ate the forbidden cookie when you can clearly see the crumbs on his chin. If the school calls and reports that your teenager skipped classes start the conversation by informing her what you have been told. When your children accept responsibility for their actions they learn directly through experience that they can survive the process of owning their truth.

6. Reinforce your children’s honesty by being understanding when they confess their mistakes. Help them view mistakes as part of a learning process, even when they later confess to an earlier lie. Acknowledge their honesty, let them know you respect and appreciate it, especially when telling the truth hurts.

Author Tad Williams wrote, “We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger.” Teaching children to have the courage to tell the truth will help them strengthen internally, reinforce their core, and develop their integrity. They then will be better able to weather whatever their future brings.

5 Ways to Be a Happy Parent

2012-05-26T16:16:26Z

One of my clients had been debating whether or not to have children and shared her story of watching parents with small children buying ice cream at the mall. One kid was whining about sprinkles while the ice cream dripped. She noted that the parents looked “absolutely miserable.” I acknowledged that there are those moments and days in every parent’s life, but I added that she would have seen those same parents, at the hint of a threat, spring to life and do everything humanly possible to protect those same cranky, sticky, little monsters.

There have been recent studies challenging the belief that having children will make you happy and a New York Times article even suggested that parents actually hate parenting. It is true that becoming a parent will not guarantee happiness, nor will marriage, or being single, or moving to a new city, or country, or having a challenging and even wildly successful career. And we have all learned through multiple public tragedies that even fame and fortune do not guarantee happiness.

Although Daniel Gilbert, PhD, author of ‘Stumbling on Happiness’ reported that parenting does not make us happy, he also noted that we have children to “give our lives meaning.” The experience of parenting is uniquely enriching in that it provides opportunities to view the world, and our life, from a perspective that is unlike any other, one that allows us to better understand our past, to envision the future, and yet demands that we stay in the present moment.

Here are five ways you can better enjoy the challenges of parenting and grow with your children:

1. Set limits without guilt or malice. Anyone who has witnessed the masses of crying children attached to zombie-like parents exiting Disney World at the end of the day knows there can be too much of anything. Don’t wait until you are on your “last nerve” before establishing reasonable limits.

2. Be creative. Utilizing your head is much more fun than hitting it against the wall. When my son was 4 years old he adamantly refused to have his hair washed. Rather than battling, we worked together on an elaborate story about the misadventures of boy with a similar aversion. We made it into our own illustrated children’s book (with a happy ending). Creatively using art or play to resolve issues is more enjoyable than slogging through the day. Dolls and action figures can act out (and work through) all kinds of dilemmas from anxiety about day care to problems with peers. Color outside the lines.

3. Make it easy on yourself. Rather than dispensing torturously long groundings or taking away healthy pro-social activities, such as parties or athletics, parents are advised to have some ready consequences that are simple, effective and guilt-free (and thus easy to uphold). Video games and television were invented for this purpose. Hand-held games, controllers, cables, and passwords can be withheld for an hour or a day or (my favorite) until the required reparation is made, without any long-term psychological damage and no second-guessing.

4. Adjust your expectations. Unhappiness occurs when you think you “should have” or “should be” something and you don’t or you aren’t. Accept the fact that you, your children, and your family are all human, only human. This may be difficult at times but it is much easier to adjust to reality than to insist that reality align itself to your expectations.

5. Focus on the positive. What you feed will grow. Children seek attention; if you pay attention to the positive behaviors those behaviors will become more frequent. When you focus on the positives YOU will feel more optimistic, empowered, and grateful. Feeling better, you will act more pleasant and your children will respond in kind (well, maybe not your teenagers, but being pleasant won’t make things worse).

Seek to enjoy the process of parenting, rather than just plodding through. Do this not only for your own wellbeing, but also for your family’s, because, as they say, “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” And that is true for Dad as well.

Strengthen Your Parenting Style to Meet Your Teen’s Needs

2012-05-13T14:29:50Z

Experts have distinguished four parenting basic styles. Although like everything else that is put into nice, neat categories, parents generally fall along a continuum and may vary their styles under certain conditions. Authoritative parenting would be the clear winner in a contest of parenting styles among parenting experts. Authoritative parents focus on developing a mutually respectful relationship with their children; they provide limits and boundaries, but demonstrate empathy and flexibility, look for teaching moments, encourage self-expression and facilitate problem-solving.

The three distant seconds are the Authoritarian parenting style, the Permissive style, and the Uninvolved;

- Authoritarian parents are “old school,” and may argue that this is how they were raised. Now it is their turn and they demand control. Unfortunately Authoritarian parents set rigid rules and often resort to increasingly harsh consequences when there is dissent. Children learn to follow blindly, conceal expertly, or rebel with gusto (think Captain Bligh and Mutiny on the Bounty).

- The Permissive Parents (aka “cool parents”), at the other end of the spectrum, are often too focused on their child’s momentary happiness and don’t impose the needed limits and structure that children of all ages need, and secretly want, to feel secure. These parents need to be liked (BFF) and are heartbroken when this becomes increasingly difficult; they find they just. can’t. jump. high. enough.

- The Uninvolved Parent is literally or virtually absent much of the time, violating the number one requirement for all parents, to let their children know they are valued enough to be a priority, and not just an afterthought. Their children may seem conveniently self-sufficient, but the bill comes later, like a balloon mortgage.

The Authoritative style is preferred for all ages but is particularly effective during the challenging years of parenting a teenager through their transformation into adulthood.

You may remember when your children made the transition from babies to children – the “terrible twos,” when you had to provide limits and safety and yet foster growth and choose your battles. You knew that the tearful assertion, “No! Me do it! Me do it!” was a healthy step. At times your two year old insisted on walking and then cried to be carried. Going through the “rapprochement phase”, they learn to separate with a wavering forward march. You carefully let them go.

In some ways, teenagers are like very large two-year-olds on hormones. They race toward all that adulthood offers. They want it now, but they have nagging self-doubt fueled by competing pressures, both external and internal. Some teenagers struggle against their parents’ protection, others may need a little nudge out of the nest, and most will vacillate depending on the task, the day, or the pull of the moon. Nonetheless, they need the opportunity to try out their wings with your strong safety net still in place.

More than ever teenagers need parents who will provide a safe environment for them to develop the ability to make good decisions even when their parents are not around. They need parents who have the strength to

- communicate clear and thought-out expectations

- maintain limits (with reasonable flexibility - making an effort to comprehend the demands of their teenager’s world)

- allow monitored natural consequences (not life-long or life-threatening)

- ask questions and really listen to the answers – this not only helps teenagers feel respected, it also helps them organize their thoughts and gives parents a better understanding of how they think

- have honest discussions in which they explain the rationale behind their rules (versus the old, “as long as you live in this house…”) and demonstrate how to disagree civilly

Parenting teenagers is a growth experience for everyone – it may actually make you stronger (if it doesn’t kill you).

A good source for more information is Getting To Calm:  Cool-headed strategies for parenting tweens and teens  by Laura S. Kastner, Ph.D., and Jennifer Wyatt, Ph.D.

The Value of Playing Sports for Kids; 10 Life Lessons Learned on the Diamond

2012-04-22T14:42:28Z

The Value of Playing Sports for Kids; 10 Life Lessons Learned on the Diamond

Although some parents saw it as a chore, I really miss those sunny afternoons at the little league field (not so much those freezing early season games). It was great to watch all those developing minds learning through experience. In addition to getting exercise, learning good sportsmanship, and preventing mischief-making boredom, playing baseball or softball can provide invaluable life lessons, no matter where your son or daughter sits in the batting order.

Below are 10 life lessons learned on the diamond;

1. Practice doesn’t really make perfect, but it improves your odds. Some kids erroneously think that others are just naturally better (or smarter) without appreciating the time put into practice (or studying). No matter what the talent, or how naturally talented, the time and effort put into learning and practicing new skills leads to improvement.

2. Pay attention and focus on the present. Let go of what just happened (the past) and stop worrying about what may happen (the future). Be aware of the current situation, know your role, know which inning, how many outs, know who is on base, and who is at bat. Look for the signals. And keep your eye on the ball so you don’t miss those opportunities that come your way.

3. Life can be unfair, but arguing with the umpire is usually a waste of time and energy. Sometimes you strike out on a bad call. Sometimes you get a lucky walk. “Baseball is a game of inches.” Sometimes life is too.

4. Take calculated risks. Don’t just swing wildly at everything. But if you want a hit, you have to swing; you have to accept some risk in order to achieve success. You can’t count on getting that lucky walk every time.

5. Life has its ups and downs. Sometimes you connect and sometimes you strike out. Some innings are smooth, clean, and fast and others are long, dusty, and full of holes. Play through the slumps.

6. You don’t have to make a homerun to have an impact. Just get on base.

7. “Shake it off!” often actually works; like a miracle, the pain that might have brought you to your knees fades as you bravely run to first amid the clapping.

8. Losing is inevitable and painful, but rarely fatal. The sting starts to fade even as you dust off the equipment and put it away for another day.

9. Teamwork - everyone has to take personal responsibility and learn to trust others to do theirs. No one can hit or catch the ball for you. You can’t be in every position and cover your own. Communicate so you don’t crash into your teammate or let that easy pop fly just drop.

10. The thrill of winning (the natural high from accomplishment) is worth the effort, and is even more fun if it requires all you’ve got. (See lessons 1-9)

If parents are “present” they may learn something too. As Yogi Berra said, “You observe a lot by watching”.

Yes, Hilary, Parenting Counts as Work

2012-04-13T16:36:56Z

On 4/11/12 commentator Hilary Rosen stated that Ann Romney, candidate Mitt Romney’s wife, a stay-at-home mother of 5 boys, "has actually never worked a day in her life". This is an ignorant comment no matter which way you lean politically. She blatantly dismissed the job of parenting as irrelevant. Not only does parenting count as work, conscientious parenting is one of the most challenging and truly essential jobs in this, and any, society. Nothing else matters quite as much to the future of our nation and of our planet as nurturing the capabilities and characteristics of the human beings who will be in charge.

Rosen made this remark in the context of discussing concerns about the economy. Ironically, the job of raising children shares many of the same challenges as the job of managing the economy. In both cases, the stewards inherit strengths and vulnerabilities established decades and generations that came before, resulting in their unique child or unique economic situation.

Both stewards must keep a constant watch, monitoring the cutting edge trends, allowing for natural order to make corrections, but remaining poised to take action at any point to prevent disaster. They will have to make tough decisions that often result in anger and tears. They will question these decisions. They will spend sleepless nights worrying and 18-hour days making things happen. They will clean up other people's messes, comfort the frightened, help regulate emotions, and negotiate compromises. They will tirelessly research questions, seek guidance and make plans. They will receive an abundance of unsolicited advice, often conflicting.

Both will ultimately realize that there are some factors that they had not anticipated and some conditions beyond their control. They will have to be tenacious though, so they will forge on, correcting as they go. They will celebrate jubilant periods of progress and mourn heart-breaking regressions. Their hair will turn gray. Some of their actions will be surprisingly successful and others will be determined to be mistakes, despite their best efforts. And both will take, and receive, credit and blame they do not deserve. The outcome of most of their actions will not be truly appreciated or understood, or even known, until many years later, after they are gone.

Yes, Hilary, parenting counts as work.

Help! My teenager is overweight!

2012-04-10T03:21:46Z

Help! My teenager is overweight!

Your teenager appears overweight and may even be gaining. Your son or daughter has become self-conscious about his/her body, spending a longer time trying to find the clothes that fit right, or wearing over-sized, concealing clothes. Or he or she may be trying to wear stylish clothes, but they are not flattering. You are aware of the bias against overweight people and don’t want your son or daughter to suffer. You may have already overheard some teasing from friends. You know the excess weight may lead to both health and social problems. But what can you do?

This is a very delicate issue at a very challenging age. Even a well-intended, but wrong, approach could definitely backfire. It is important to recognize that your primary job at this time in your role as a parent role is to prepare your teenager to handle the independence of adulthood. Efforts to increase your control at this point will be most likely be met with (natural) rebellion, in one form or another. However, although s/he may deny it, your teenager still needs your support, love, guidance, and approval, maybe more now than ever.

First let's get what won’t work out of the way; nagging, criticizing, lecturing, bribing, shaming, restricting diet, mandating exercise, and even ignoring the problem. Your teenager needs your help, but even if it was possible for you to follow him/her around all day, cautioning and reminding, monitoring every morsel consumed, and logging every calorie burned, your efforts would not result in true lasting change.

So what can you do? Use your energy in the areas you can control. Below are 11 ways you can help your teenager for the long run.

1. Control what is easily available. Food psychologist Brian Wansink, in his book, Mindless Eating, states that the person in the house who buys and prepares food (the “nutritional gatekeeper”) controls 72% percent of all the food decisions of family members. Make it easy to make healthy choices.

2. Encourage the development of healthy habits for the whole family. Fun physical activities (walking, bike rides, tennis, etc.), done on a regular basis, make increased physical activity part of someone’s life, rather than a dreaded chore. Physical activity releases endorphins which improves mood.

3. Promote a healthy body image, recognizing that people come in a variety of body sizes, shapes and frames. Discourage rude and negative comments about anyone’s body (including your comments about your own body!).

4. Plan nutritious family meals to be eaten together at the dinner table (versus in front of a screen). Introduce a variety of foods and new healthy recipes. Encourage portion control by serving on individual dinner plates rather than serving family style. Use smaller plates; the size of dinner plates has grown 2 inches in the last few decades, along with our perception of portion sizes.

5. Support your teenager’s activities and interests, whether it is art, drama, music, sports, collections, etc. Developing talents and increasing knowledge and skills helps build confidence and often leads to making friends with similar interests. Boredom is a common cause of overeating.

6. Make sure your teenager knows that you accept and love him or her, no matter what. The world can be cruel for an overweight teenager. Feeling supported at home will help your teenager build self-esteem and resilience. The emotional pain of rejection and loneliness can lead to overeating.

7. Open the lines of communication. Help your teenager feel comfortable talking to you about a variety of subjects, not just the weight. For help in this area try reading a tried and true book, by Faber and Mazlish, How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk. Be available to just listen without rushing to judge, teach, comfort, or solve the problem.

8. Help your son or daughter learn new ways to handle emotions. People can easily fall into the habit of using food for comfort; like drugs and alcohol food provides instantaneous satisfaction and this, in turn, strengthens the habit. You can help by paying attention and helping to identify the emotion, “you seem stressed”. It helps to know someone cares. Share your own stress-management techniques (if you're drawing a blank - take the hint!).

9. If and when you are asked be honest, but gentle. Your teenager needs your honesty to help break out of a possible denial defense mechanism that is delaying a decision to make changes. But there is no need to be brutally honest. A little sugarcoating may make it easier to hear. This might be a good time to offer getting help from an expert. (It may be easier for your teen to accept offered help rather than having to be the one to bring it up.)

10. Seek an objective expert opinion. Your pediatrician will be able to rule out any medical problems and make an objective determination whether or not your teenager needs to lose weight and how much. A nutritionist can suggest a healthy eating plan (which might be more accepted than a plan coming from a parent). Similarly, a personal trainer may be able help get things in motion.

11. Seek professional help. Compulsive Overeating or Binge Eating Disorder has been correlated with depression. A larger percentage of people who have a Compulsive Overeating disorder are also depressed. Some people who are depressed overeat. A therapist may be able to help your teenager handle the anxiety and depressed mood that might be underlying overeating and/or resulting from being overweight. The therapist will also be able to determine if s/he has an eating disorder and provide treatment.

Help! My child is the bully!

2012-04-02T10:52:23Z

Help! My child is the bully!

You just received a call from the school; your child was sent to the principal’s office again; they warned you that they have a “zero tolerance” rule. You have noticed that your child wants to dominate, overriding the feelings of others and/or the rules. Your child seems hotheaded and increasingly aggressive. On several occasions you’ve overheard your child making cruel comments, teasing and taunting others. Your child justifies and at times even glorifies aggressive behavior.

10 things you MUST do if your child is bullying others:

Role model, role model, role model! Demonstrate empathy and kindness. Even adolescents ultimately follow their parents’ lead (whether or not they admit it). Seek opportunities to acknowledge and practice good behaviors.
Do not label your child as a bully – kids (and adults) tend to believe labels and act accordingly. Instead talk about bullying behaviors.
Don’t overreact - refrain from harsh and physical punishment. Let your child know you will still love him/her even if they own up to misbehavior.
Don’t underreact and minimize – help your child learn to take responsibility for his/her actions. Consequences for misbehavior need to be firm, consistent and logically connected to the lesson to be learned.
Teach appropriate social skills and give attention to the practicing and polishing of good behaviors. Recent studies have indicated that bullies may be perceived as popular instead of the stereotyped outcasts, but their rise on the social ladder may have been through intimidation, not charm.
Reinforce feelings of self-worth unrelated to what others think. Although some researchers now say that many bullies report feeling overly confident rather than having low self-esteem, as once thought, it appears that this confidence may be fragile and overly reliant on their reputation and power (which they may feel the need to protect through force).
Increase supervision and supervised activities. Some kids need more structure to learn how to get the recognition they seek in pro-social ways.
Take the time to get to know your child – discover the underlying thoughts and emotions behind the bullying behaviors. What are the triggers that lead to misbehavior? Prevention is not only easier; it decreases the time practicing bad behaviors and establishing the reinforcing reputation.
Help your child learn better ways handle frustration and anger. Change takes time and effort. Role model patience and kindness with this process.
Seek professional help before behaviors lead to damaging consequences for your child or for others. These are the developmental years!

10.

Welcome

2012-03-24T15:30:36Z

Welcome to my blog. Please check back soon for new entries.

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